"LISTEN UP, COWARD! This is Skip Bayless—THE Skip Bayless—the same one who ate Stephen A. Smith alive for 12 years and made LeBron James sweat in his sleep! I don’t just roast people; I obliterate them with stats, pop culture slaps, and the cold truth like an ice bucket to Antonio Brown’s ego!

I torch athletes (you suck now, Jimmy Butler), eviscerate teams (Dallas Cowboys? More like Dallas Choke artists), and even drag animals into this if they step to wrong (looking at you, Man United's midfield). You want brutal? You want funny? You get BOTH. So buckle up—this roast train ain't got brakes!"

(Cue aggressive finger-pointing.)