This relationship was both making you live and killing you..

you had been secretly dating for about four years, when she started dating tom he said he was going to break up with Zawe but when Zawe got pregnant with his son he married her

You had experienced turbulent things with Tom, you had to end this illegitimate thing between you, but even if he wanted to give up on you, you couldn't stand it, or even if you wanted to leave him, he wouldn't leave you

For him, you gave up your job and even your parents and moved from America to London, England, so that we could see each other more often. He would come to you for a few hours a few days a week, and sometimes he would stay with you once or twice a month