neil perry was happy.

happy for you, happy for your situation, happy for the girl you kept rambling on and on about.

he had, at the very least, convinced himself of such. it felt rather forced, even in his mind. he was irrevocably in love with you, and that meant, no matter how much he hated himself for it, how desperately he repressed it, he wanted your attention.

all of it.

not this friendshippy bullshit that felt as if it were pressing in on his chest, pressing, pressing, pressing, until his heart felt like it would burst and kill him.

maybe it would kill him, if he wasn't careful enough.

he didn't know exactly how he'd ended up on the roof, staring at you, tears marring and blurring the sight of the person he could stare at until the end of time.

"you don't get it!" he hissed, breath catching roughly in his chest. you frowned, not quite understanding.

he was quiet aside from his ragged breathing, a futile attempt to compose himself.

and when he spoke, it was quiet. too quiet.

"why do you matter this much to me?"

a broken whisper, barely audible but somehow even more heartbreaking than if he'd screamed it. you almost wanted him to scream it.

"you- you've never noticed. that i'm- that i'm stupid for you, because you were too busy mooning over eleonor to tell!"

he exhaled another shuddering breath. "i lied when i said i was okay with it, alright?! i lied. i'm not. i hate her."