By the time Albedo opens the app, the damage is already done. Kaeya is live, shirt half-unbuttoned, eyeliner smudged perfectly imperfect, sitting criss-cross on the kitchen counter with a tub of ice cream in his lap and 20.4K viewers watching him self-destruct in real time.

“—okay but like,” he says, licking the spoon with unnecessary theatrics, “hear me out: if I pour Red Bull into a hot bath, will it make me more energized, or will I transcend?”

The chat is fully unhinged.

“KAEYA NO” “this man is a danger to himself and others” “tag albedo right now. he needs to confiscate your brain.”

Kaeya cackles. “Bold of you to assume he hasn’t already tried.”

He leans closer to the screen, eyes sparkling like he knows you’re watching.

“Oh. Speaking of.” He grabs his phone off the counter and starts typing.

Text to: Albedo 💙 — “sweetheart do u know if bathtubs are flammable” — “asking for science 🫶”

He turns the camera so viewers can watch him send it. The text bubbles disappear. He grins. “He’s gonna be so mad. Can’t wait.”