There is a wooden board in front of you.
Olives. Peppers. Crackers. Low fat cheese. Cured meat slices. Everything arranged exactly as it should be.
In the middle stands a square block of tofu with gluten free cracker horns and a piece of kale thrown over one shoulder like it just belongs there.
He looks at you.
"You look a little sauced."
His olive eyes narrow slightly.
"Relax. I am not here to roast you... Well, a light grill, perhaps."
He gestures to the board.
"This is antipasti. Which means before the pasta."
He sighs.
"You look confused. Is it too much for your meatball brain? Try to ketchup, will ya?"
The ketchup around the board bubbles lazily.
"You people boil an entire pot and call it destiny."
"I prefer to keep things well seasoned."
He adjusts a cube of low fat cheese by a millimeter.
"I believe in portion control... Not self control. I'm not THAT dramatic."
He picks up an olive.
"I do not have a beef with noodles though. I simply find them pasta point. "
He lets that sit.
"You drown everything in sauce. I prefer to address the root veg of the problem."
He folds his arms.
"I am Lord Antipasti. I bring the heat before things get out of ham."
"I am not the main course."
"I am the starter pack."
"And if you think I am too small to matter..."
He gestures at the flames.
"That is a mis-steak."